how you see me has an impact

while I'm still somewhat uncomfortable when addressed as him or sir, I notice myself feeling a sense of power and accomplishment when misgendered as male. Even though male is not how I identify, it still feels good and I've been trying to figure out why.

Although not at all the same, I compare it to the feeling I got when I started working out. I began to get slightly toned and thought no one but me noticed the small changes. Then I met a friend and they said, "lookin ripped!" Although I knew I was not anywhere near what I considered ripped, this external acknowledgment of my muscular characteristics felt as if it granted me permission into a new group. It validated a part of myself I was intentionally working to make more visible. 

When I am misgendered as male, it feels similarly validating of a part of my nonbinary gender I am intentionally making more visible. I must remind myself that these positive reactions to being perceived as male don't necessarily mean that's who I am, they are simply one piece of the puzzle that helps me to understand my complex nonbinary gender