questioning and clothes

when first questioning my gender, I turned to baggy clothes, men’s underwear, binding and accessories such as glasses and backwards hats to show my masculinity to the world. My body and sex characteristics became things I felt I desperately needed to hide in order to be myself. I don’t think I was seen in public without a hat for nearly 3 years.

I worried any hints of femininity would surely undo all my efforts to express a masculine self. After starting testosterone and getting top surgery, clothes, underwear, my binder and accessories no longer serve as the holder of my authentic gender identity and gender expression. I finally found the perfect combination of male/female and masculine/feminine within myself.