but i was boy crazy

Growing up I was boy crazy. I would plaster my bedroom walls with the faces of 90s heartthrobs Devon Sawa, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Heath Ledger, Leonardo diCaprio, Andrew Keegan, and Joshua Jackson. If only I’d known what I know now. This was my way of affirming the male part of myself. My family and friends misinterpreted this interest as attraction, which only further fueled my confusion about who I was and who I would grow up to be attracted to. I didn’t think about being with these guys nearly as much as I fixated on becoming them. I would look up at my bedroom ceiling, into the eyes of these young men, with a deep sense of envy for the innocent boyhood I saw in their gaze. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or scared of the changes brought on by testosterone, I remember I have always been this person. I have always been half boy. I’ve just decided to make this childhood dream a reality by more closely aligning my body with the boyish spirit that’s been alive in me forever.