change is a symptom of acceptance 馃寑

I spent many years feeling stuck. I couldn't stop fixating on my desire to be more male, but I also couldn't imagine a reality where that was possible. I would search the internet for pictures and testimonies from those who got #topsurgery and began #testosterone. For a long time, seeing those images was a painful reminder of something I did not and could not have. At that time, I was identifying as a #queer woman鈥 an identity that felt in conflict with my need to embrace my male self. 

Despite the negative feelings that surfaced after staring at masculine chests, I couldn鈥檛 bring myself to stop staring. I was searching for myself in the images, but for some reason, wasn鈥檛 able to see it. Looking back, I realize this was one of the fist ways I tried to cope with my gender dysphoria. Needless to say, my obsessing over chests didn鈥檛 make the dysphoria go away, and if anything, my (self) critical stares at others chests (and my own) made the dysphoria worse. After sharing my desire to be more male with my friends, family and partner, I noticed a huge shift in the way I experienced seeing images of masculine chests. When I was finally able to own and accept the male parts of who I am, I was also finally able to see myself in the pictures of the #transguys I once thought I couldn鈥檛 be. For me, change became possible after acceptance.

Mere Abrams