grateful to feel at home in me --> 2 years on T!

I spent so long searching for love in my relationships with others, before looking within myself. I thought my relationships would make me feel whole. I looked to the outside world instead of inward for the answers. The world, in many respects, had the opposite of answers. It was filled with confusing and rigid messages about who I was supposed to be and the type of person I was supposed to be attracted to. As a teen, feeding the desire to fit in and be liked was my (sub)conscious number one priority-- even if it caused serious anxiety. Though I try not to hold onto regrets, my biggest regret is all the time and energy I spent trying to be someone else instead of getting to know myself. Although there are numerous factors such as learning about gender, using they/them pronouns, #topsurgery, and working/living in a gender affirming environment, that contribute to the feelings of love and comfort I now experience in relation to my identity and body— I believe #testosterone has been one of the most life changing. 

The mental health and physical changes I’ve experienced while on hrt have helped me to actualize who I know myself to be in a way I did not believe was possible. Before starting testosterone, I was not able to envision a life without desperate attempts to overcompensate for the maleness I wanted/needed to embody. Now, I experience my #nonbinary maleness with more ease…which is ironic because at this moment, when I finally feel at one with my body and identity, I find the world has never been more confused by my presence/existence. Now, more than ever, I receive looks and questions about whether I’m a dude or girl. I get addressed as male about 40% of the time, and female 60% of the time. I see those who view me as female becoming puzzled because their image of me as such is complicated by my sideburns and facial hair starting to grow in. In the moments when I fear the potential consequences of making others confused, I remind myself of the more important matter— I am being the most authentic me possible.

Mere Abrams