my anxiety guides me
throughout my entire life I’ve had anxiety. Even before I could talk, I remember the tightness in my throat and chest, nausea in my gut, and shortness of breath that accompanied moments of overwhelm. I spent many years searching for ways to make my anxiety go away. I tried medication, therapy, meditation, and alternative medicine. Some of these methods were more helpful than others, but when it came down to it, none of them made my anxiety go away.
as a teen, I would get intense panic attacks in social situations. I wondered what was wrong with me. My anxiety felt like a roadblock preventing me from having the experiences my peers were having. Looking back, I realize my anxiety was trying to tell me something very important about my relationship with my body and gender. In the months leading up to coming out to my family, my anxiety was at an all time high. In some senses, being so anxious/miserable was the push I needed to disclose my gender identity. My anxiety also accompanied countless sleepless nights when the fears and unknowns about starting testosterone monopolized my mind. I can recall many moments in my life when my anxiety was telling me something incredibly important. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I no longer strive to get rid of my anxiety, I simply do my best to manage its ebbs and flows. Anxiety is a part of my identity that holds just as much weight as my gender. Without it, I would not know or live my gender in the way I do today. #beyou