sometimes the best thing is to give into desire

throughout my entire life I have had a consistent and persistent desire to feel male. This played out in a number of different ways considering I was assigned female as birth and raised as a girl. Pre puberty, I would closely observe all the boys around me, wishing that I was them. I wanted to play with the toys they had, I wanted to be treated in the same manner they were, I wanted to running around without a shirt on to be socially acceptable for me too...but then puberty kicked in and I felt I had to hide the male parts of me. I remember the first time I was told I had to wear a bra while playing sports. This news felt as if it somehow solidified the fact I'd have to play on the "girls" team for the rest of my life...when previously I'd played for both the boys and girls teams. This desire to belong on both teams became stronger the older I got. I saw it in my relationships, friendships, and family dynamics/roles. When I stopped viewing these feelings as a confusing/impossible desire, and instead as a plausible reality, everything changed. There is so much relief and power in looking back on all the years of what I thought was internal confusion, to realize now that I knew myself all along.

Mere Abrams